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 Just a little idea. Really rough beginning page.

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thisisnotjamie



Posts : 1
Join date : 2012-05-18

PostSubject: Just a little idea. Really rough beginning page.   Sun Jul 22, 2012 2:16 am

Every afternoon, Siris would go to the graveyard to talk—not to himself—but to anyone that would listen. He believed the trees would ponder his musings and would eventually respond, but the trees remained unconcerned.
When he was young, Siris couldn’t talk to the other kids at school due to a form of narcolepsy that prevented him from most interaction. He tried to be calm and collected, but joy or sadness or anger would overtake him, paralyzing him, and sending him crashing to the ground. Siris, a mere child, was sent away from regular schooling and forced to attend a home for “exceptional children.” His parents were not permitted to see him; this would cause Siris to cry and once again, fall into a bastardized sleep.
The other children were exceptional, Siris supposed, but he had to remain isolated from the others as they played with their toy trains, dolls, and other lovely things. One day, one of the girls noticed him peeking from his room, and she became extremely curious.
Harlowe wasn’t placed into the home. She was the daughter of the owners, but she played with the children just as she would with anyone else. Harlowe wondered why she hadn’t seen Siris before, and she smiled as he looked embarrassed, retracted, and returned to his personal solitude. She wouldn’t be having any of that, she decided, and darted into the room before the door could shut.
“What do you want?,” Siris said as less of a question and more of a reason for her to leave.
“I want to know why you don’t like us.”
“I like you just fine. It’s you that doesn’t like me.”
“That’s just ridiculous, but I’ll leave you to whatever you were doing in here.”
As she was leaving, he tried to maintain his composure. As young boy do, he grabbed her hair, yanking her back to face him, but as he did, he felt something. Something that didn’t belong. Two small bumps on either side, resembling miniature horns, made him recoil. She looked shocked, and tears welled up in her eyes. “Please don’t tell. Please don’t tell,” she quietly begged. Siris nodded, and he fell. When he awoke, she was gone, and she was not to be seen again for many years.
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lcm



Posts : 8
Join date : 2012-05-10

PostSubject: Re: Just a little idea. Really rough beginning page.   Sun Jul 22, 2012 2:11 pm

Write it. I would read it.
Are you going to write from any one character's perspective, or show what all of them are doing and thinking?
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Logan
Admin


Posts : 15
Join date : 2012-04-30

PostSubject: Re: Just a little idea. Really rough beginning page.   Sun Jul 22, 2012 3:37 pm

narcolepsy+devil horns=Write more please.

The writing style it's self seems too informative, and the perspective shifts funny.

I'd like to see this in a more refined form, but the concept is very original and i have no idea where it is going... making me curious. So you did your job right.

And if it seems like I'm being overly critical, it's because i have finally begun my rewrites and i am second guessing every sentence and word choice i see.
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Ge-YEAH-ff



Posts : 6
Join date : 2012-05-18
Age : 25
Location : Wilmington

PostSubject: Re: Just a little idea. Really rough beginning page.   Wed Jul 25, 2012 1:03 am

Love it! Would like to see more!
I like the characters, the ideas behind the story. All in all, looks good!
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