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 In the beginning...

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Posts : 6
Join date : 2012-05-18
Age : 25
Location : Wilmington

PostSubject: In the beginning...   Sat Aug 04, 2012 12:47 am

Ages past, when the reign of men was still bound to the Earth, all governments strove to reach the stars. Longingly, they gazed at the heavens, turning their technology and their science to reaching the darkened depths of space. The elite and powerful of every race and nation gathered in secret to rise above their petty struggles and finally pierce the heavens above. They swore to form a single united government, and called themselves: The Galactic Circle.
Combining their vast resources, they developed space travel, and commissioned contractors to pilot their ships. These groups, called Pioneer Families, charted the stars and built habitable colonies amongst every planet they found. Colony by colony, sector by sector, star system by star system, the reign of the Galactic Circle grew. A new capital was established on the central planet of the central galaxy, Cyror City. From here, a great republic was established, one that promised to bring fair and balanced law to all within its confines.
But some say that the reach of the Galactic Circle was too great, that the reign of men was stretched too thin. Outer colonies began to collapse, one by one, as supply lines failed to bring food fast enough. Even time-speed is not fast enough the halt the starvation of trillions. New confederacies broke away, and one such splinter group, United, rose above all others, and challenged the GC in the one realm that none can truly control: the will of the common people.
Faced with this challenge, the leaders of the Galactic Circle turned to one of their many planets, a world that none dared colonize. In Tripalia, a planet covered in its entirety with volcanic mountains, they established a factory that built war machines. Here, an orphan child, a lowly metal worker, excelled amongst his peers. He was the greatest blacksmith, and his knowledge of robot building was unsurpassed. He had no name, and he was nicknamed Toymaker. To regain control over its people, the GC turned to him.
Toymaker spent his entire life experimenting with Tripalian steel, struggling to build the chains that could ensnare humanity. He alone began to understand how this alien metal can bond with the human body. He wove his metal within muscle and bone, weaving as a seamstress plots new courses with wool. He published his findings in secret documents, under the title Project SURGE.
SURGE became an initiative to give workers mechanical implants that allowed them to take roles normally fulfilled by machines. BioSURGE implants could manipulate the bioelectric energy that flows within all living things; TechSURGE implants can control robots, computers and machinery; InfoSURGE wiring becomes woven directly to the brain, turning ordinary men into walking computers. These SURGE enhancements, and many others, formed the backbone of the entire project. Toymaker’s ‘patients,’ called SURGE Hosts, were given unique abilities that created a new working environment.
SURGE Hosts felt empowered, yet they never realized the truly sinister ruse. SURGE implants can only be powered externally, by batteries exclusively under government control. In this way, the Galactic Circle could maintain control over their workers for the rest of their lives. SURGE hosts lost their humanity, and became tools for the GC’s bidding. The leaders were pleased with Toymaker’s progress, and began plans to integrate the Project amongst their colonies.
However, Toymaker made another discovery during his experiments, a discovery that forever changed the course of Project SURGE. He discovered, whilst tampering with his patients, that a rare mutation occurred in a few, hardly-notable instances. This mutation, the Violetear Effect (as Toymaker named it), caused the implants to bind with a person’s body in ways unpredicted and unintended. No longer did these implants require external batteries; they could feed off the energy that resided within the Host’s body.
Naturally, the energy within these bodies was used to fuel internal organs, so the mutated individuals, or Violetears, would become drained of energy, and would die. Yet Toymaker theorized that their deaths could be avoided with training.
Toymaker predicted that, if Project SURGE became a part of the Galactic Circle, the Violetear Effect would become much more common. Individuals would gain power of the infrastructure of the entire government. They could effectively control all of humanity.
Before Toymaker could publish his findings, they were discovered by his employers on Tripalia. They were found by the Galactic Circle decades later, but by that point, the robot builder had died from an accident within his factory.
Since that time, <INSERT YEAR NUMBER HERE> years have passed. Project SURGE, in accordance with <INSERT CURRENT CORPORATION>, has been successfully established in every colony of the Galactic Circle. And not a single Violetear has been found.
Albertron finished reading, and resumed his pacing. He slowly shifted one foot before the other, his worn boots leaving streaks of dirt in the light blue carpet. Similar stains clung to the feet of his purple robes, contrasting the oriental elegance of the golden-sewn patterns. His left hand idly swept aside the holographic projection that bore the written passage, and he took a view of the wide window beyond. He shielded his eyes with his other hand as the sun reflect brightly against his silver hairline and dully against his elderly ebony skin.
A massive window that spanned the length of twice the room stretched before him, giving him a view of the world outside of the governor’s office. Pinnacle Industries held its headquarters in the largest skyscraper in all of New Market City, a reflective silver tower that pierced the cloud-strewn sky. The office itself sat near the very tip, and the window gave Albertron a view of the stars near the edge of the atmosphere.
Below stretched the Atlantic Ocean, a flat plane of dull grey and blue that barely gave way to the sunlit horizon. For a few moments, Albertron swore that he saw a whale breach the waves. Then the shape began to float, and he realized his mistake as the Galactic Circle cruiser took its course. The mammoth whale like structure, seeming insignificant from this height, joined the many others that hovered above the ocean. In a few moments, they would streak across the sky and begin their journey through the galaxy.
The room at Albertron’s back, facing the window, was split in two. On the left side was a single conference table, a smooth round structure with no visible support that hung motionless over a dozen armless chairs. A holographic, see-through map of the mismatched city flitted across the contours of its surface, but for now there was no one to pay it attention. At its opposite, on the right side of the room, sat an elaborately carved wooden desk. Behind the organized clutter of papers and glasses sat a middle aged man with tired eyes, smooth-combed black hair and a weary young face. He wore a suit and red tie, as was his custom, but the wrinkles in his shirt and the looseness of his tie showcased his inner weariness. Also, as betrayed by the tightness of his belt, he had an enjoyment for alcohol.
Albertron did not turn to face this man as he began to address him. “Sylvia has improved in her writing, governor. I suppose our new programs have helped.”
Governor Squire nodded, reaching forward to shift a few papers lazily amongst the storm that clouded around his lap. “Every day we give her a new responsibility. I wouldn’t be surprised if Sylvia comes to run this wretched town. The stars know I haven’t done so well myself.” After a few moments of angrily searching amongst the papers he gave up, a frustrated growl on his lips.
Albertron turned and gave Squire a reassuring nod. “So, you’re certain that the child has…the mutation?”
Squire nodded. “Sylvia just messaged me a moment ago, the x-ray report has arrived.” He snapped his fingers, rising from his chair and pointing with authority at the conference table. The holographic map of the city flashed away, replaced with a much larger image that rose to face Albertron. The image, a gray x-ray that showed bones in white and everything else in black, spun slowly as it shone into focus.
“This is Marcus Flare, a teenager from the Western Ma – er, District 52. Just across from employee housing, in fact. He was recruited to join Project Surge about a week ago, and he was chosen for the BioSURGE division. The red lines are his implants, as we installed them.” Squire snapped his fingers again, and red lines quickly streaked amongst the x-ray. The lines traveled from his forehead, down his neck, to his chest, and then across his arms to the palms and fingers of his hands. “We took a second x-ray image about a week later. This was completely against protocol. Normally, the process is automated, so no x-rays are given during a three week period.”
He snapped his fingers, and, to Albertron’s astonishment, the red lines began to dance. Over a fast-fowarded time lapse of seven days, the lines began to bulge swell around his chest, sprouting growths like the branches of neurons.
This is all I’ve written because I’m a lazy bastard. Please include all chastisements and criticisms of my writing below. I personally feel like this is too movie-trailer-y.
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PostSubject: Re: In the beginning...   Sat Aug 04, 2012 6:08 pm

The beginning is an info dump.

The story truly starts at "Albertron finished reading," and everything before that should be changed or at the very least cut down.

A story is like making a building. you want it to be pretty and hold it's own weight, but sometimes you need scaffolding to hold it in place until the product is finished.

In this analogy, the info dump is the scaffolding. it is important to keep in your head when building the story, but when writing, it should not be there. information should not be dumped, it should be shown.

All that being said, when the story actually starts it kept my attention and gave a very good first look at four major characters. (abli, gov, marcus, sylvia). this is a very good beginning to the book because it introduces all the facts needed to understand the story without having to dump it, it shows and does not tell,

this is the future and it is a sci-fi story(you don't have to state that, the fact that there are galactic cruisers and holograms are enough.
this is earth(atlantic ocean)

there is something strange with marcus(x ray)

there is a project surge with certain divisions, one of which being biosurge ("He was recruited to join Project Surge about a week ago, and he was chosen for the BioSURGE division")

"Pinnacle Industries held its headquarters in the largest skyscraper in all of New Market City," again, this introduces the setting for the rest of the book, and creates a good framework for geography. also, this shows that Pinnacle industries is very rich/important/powerful, and the fact that Albitron is astonished by what happens to marcus makes him, by association, very important or powerful, but the reader does not know why yet.

I say scrap the first bit, but as you write, keep it in mind. You don't have to explain everything all at once. That is what the rest of the book is for. Very Happy

This is a brilliant start and and i want to read the next part. keep it up.
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Join date : 2012-05-18
Age : 25
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PostSubject: Re: In the beginning...   Sat Aug 04, 2012 8:02 pm

Thanks Logan, that's exactly the advice I needed! I was worried, how could I tell the reader all the info I have for this story? I guess I did a better job of gradually informing the reader about this world than I thought! Yeah, I'll keep the info-dump on file here, but I won't add it to the story. I think gradually introducing the reader will just make the challenge more fun!
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