For the UNCW Writing club.
HomeCalendarFAQSearchMemberlistUsergroupsRegisterLog in


 A Conversation in a Taxi

Go down 

Posts : 6
Join date : 2012-05-18
Age : 26
Location : Wilmington

A Conversation in a Taxi Empty
PostSubject: A Conversation in a Taxi   A Conversation in a Taxi Icon_minitimeFri May 18, 2012 11:55 pm

Okay, so here's the back story: The main character, Marcus, has climbed into a taxi, and has requested that the driver take him to the "Silver Belt," the wealthy section of New Market City, so that he can attend a dinner party with the aristocracy of his hospital. Little does he realize, the taxi is not really a taxi, and is actually a cover for the bodyguards that have been assigned to protect him. He is aware of the body guards by this point, and here he has a short discussion with two guards, Wren and Ibis.

"District 3, please," said Marcus, giving little attention to the driver as he took his seat.
"Sure thing, squirt!" replied the driver. He turned his head towards Marcus and gave a little wave. "This one's on me!"
Marcus gave a jump as he recognized the driver. "Thomas! What...why are you driving?! Isn't this a city taxi??"
Thomas laughed as he turned his attention towards the road. He expertly wove between traffic, dodging back and forth amongst the city streets. "We're a multi-trillion dollar, intergalactic mercenary team, Marcus. Don't you think we can afford this sort of thing?"
Marcus lay his head against the door sill, trying to take in what Thomas had said. "Every time I take a taxi, you've been driving it, haven't you?" His face openly reflected his reaction to Thomas' chaotic driving.
"Haha, no no, we switch drivers around back and forth...'cept Wren, of course." He leaned back and passed a grin at Marcus' fearful expression. "Wren tends to tag onto whatever car catches his attention. We never know what he'll do if he catches up, I don't even think he knows...
"Speaking of which, we've got company. Scootch over!"
Thomas wove between two slow moving vehicles before running up against the right curb, the tires bumping agaisnt the sidewalk with a brisk bump. Marcus slid to the left as Ibis, blonde hair sweeping freely in the wind, swung inside. Wren climbed into the passenger seat, neglecting to fasten his seatbelt as he did so.
"We weren't followed, as far as we could tell," muttered Wren. His eyes viciously scanned the streets as Thomas began to drive once more. "You should probably follow that car," said Wren, pointing out a red convertible two lanes over.
"No, Wren. I have the route mapped out, relax..."
"I AM relaxed, I just feel we should - "
Marcus raised his hand questioningly, sitting up to catch thier attention. "Uh, guys, do you really think this is...necessary?" He paused nervously as Ibis rolled down her window and let her left hand float dreamily outside the moving car.
"Are you kidding? This should be fun!" she replied with a grin. "I don't even have to put on my sunday best, thanks to this babe!" She tapped her left wrist, indicating the bright orange invisibility bracelet.
"Still," replied Marcus cautiously, "you don't think I'm really to fall unconcious tonight, do you?"
"You better hope not!" said Thomas. "We did an inventory this morning, and we're not sure we brought enough stun gas to knock out Stephanie's family, should we need to rescue you."
"WHAT?!" exclaimed Marcus angrily.
"He's joking, Marcus," barked Wren, shooting Thomas an angry look. "We brought plenty."
Marcus took a moment to comprehend what Wren said before continuing. "Well, I appreciate the gesture, but - "
"Gesture? Hah! We're being paid for this, squirt!" said Ibis, her attention still focused on the passing city streets. "Don't think I don't have anything to do tonight!"
Wren sighed before turning to face Marcus, a sympathetic look on his face. "What she means, Marcus, is that we're paid to provide 24 nonstop security in every situation, no matter how trivial. We never know when you may need my help."
"Yeah, but are they really paying you to watch me tonight? Besides, who's paying for this anyway?"
The car suddenly fell eerily silent. Ibis bit her lower lip and quietly returned her hand from the window sill. Thomas and Wren gave each other nervous glances, neither moving to give Marcus a reply.
"Guys?" queried Marcus, shooting each of them an angry glance. "Who is paying for you to watch me?"
"This may sound a little...strange, Marcus," said Wren nervously, "but we're not authorized to tell you that."
Marcus raised both eyebrows. "Are you serious? I thought Albertron hired you guys. I thought he was in charge of the whole hospital!"
"He is," said Wren, "but he only reccomended us, since he owns our company. He's not the one supplying the checks or conducting the research into your condition."
"You must be...you can't be serious, Wren!" exclaimed Marcus angrily. "Weren't you 'keeping me in the loop?'"
"Marcus, there are parts of our contract that we cannot - "
"Oh I get it! 'The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!' Except the actual truth, that is, that's none of my buisness..."
"Marcus, that isn't fair - "
"Yeah, you tell me what isn't fair! Hell, you've been WATCHING me for, what, nine monthes now?! I'm sure you know all about FAIR!"
Marcus angrily crossed his arms and turned to watch the passing street. No one spoke for several minutes as Thomas passed the silver walls that indicated the Silver District. After a few more blocks, he stopped the car against the curb. "We're here, Marcus."
Marcus sat up, opened his door, and leaned out. Just as he slammed the door, he paused, turned around and tapped on Thomas' window.
"I'm not against working for this project Wren. I don't mind being a test subject. I'd just...I'd just like to know who I'm working for."
Back to top Go down
View user profile

Posts : 15
Join date : 2012-04-30

A Conversation in a Taxi Empty
PostSubject: Re: A Conversation in a Taxi   A Conversation in a Taxi Icon_minitimeSat May 19, 2012 12:27 am

I think you should use a different word then "squirt" the second time it is used, like "kid" or something,

they way you say

"She tapped her left wrist, indicating the bright orange invisibility bracelet. "

seems overly explanatory. If Marcus already knows the nature of the bracelet, you don't need to explain it again, and if he does not, he should not be pointing it out now.

but other then that it was very good, and I'm just nit picking. i look forward to more.

Back to top Go down
View user profile http://uncwriters.forumotion.com

Posts : 8
Join date : 2012-05-10

A Conversation in a Taxi Empty
PostSubject: Re: A Conversation in a Taxi   A Conversation in a Taxi Icon_minitimeSun May 20, 2012 9:40 am

Overall, I liked it! Good dialogue, and I can get a feel for each of the characters just from this scene alone. I agree with changing the word "squirt," though. For some reason that sounded a little out of place.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Sponsored content

A Conversation in a Taxi Empty
PostSubject: Re: A Conversation in a Taxi   A Conversation in a Taxi Icon_minitime

Back to top Go down
A Conversation in a Taxi
Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
» Roger's internals...
» eteaparty - Twitter conversation about books and tea

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
UNCWriters :: Personal stories :: Scraps-
Jump to: